I haven’t posted in a while. Life keeps throwing me curve balls from every direction. Death, illness, chaos, uncertainty, and surprises, it’s all spiraling toward me faster than I know how to react. I’m as at peace with it all as I can be without being some kind of zen master. But I’m questioning a lot of things about my life right now I thought were rooted. I’ve had to turn off all the possibilities racing through my mind and accept that my life might not head the direction I thought it would. I have to let God guide me and trust I’ll end up where I’m supposed to. The only constant is change right?

The only things I know for sure is I have to be a good mom and I have to write. Everything else seems to be in some kind of balancing act at the moment. I’m going away this weekend to North Carolina for a romantic getaway. I hope it clears my head.

On a very cool upside. I listened to Laurell K Hamilton’s new book Jason which is fabulous. I tried to listen to it at the gym while I was lifting and damn near killed myself. So of course I tweeted about it and she replied! Most awesome thing ever. I retweeted it if you are as big a dorky fan of her as I am. So that was pretty freaking fantastic.

A locked door

The last few weeks have been a bit crazy. Illness in the family, trying to get the details of my book submitted for publishing etc. Then last week I received news that my best friend’s high school boyfriend had been accidentally killed. It was a shock we could have never been prepared for and my heart hurt for my friend. It hurt for his family and it hurt for him.  He was still young and handsome, a great elementary teacher and so loved by so many. It had been years since we had seen him but it took me back to being sixteen and spending the whole summer at his house. My friend had many firsts with him and I had a few firsts with his brother. shh.

Doors to our past close as we walk into our future, sometimes we can return and visit for short times. When I found out about his death I heard that particular door lock. Sometimes we can’t return, all that’s left is to look ahead.

Procratination, addiction and cannibalism

Busy busy, birthdays, cleaning and paperwork. Blah. It will all get done at some point. I almost have my paperwork done for my novel but I’m dragging it out a bit. Writing my bio is freaking hard. And I’ve decided I’m a raging sugar addict. I’ve had way too much over the holidays and it makes me feel awful yet I cannot leave it alone if it is in the house. I need a twelve step program no joke.

I haven’t written anything creative in weeks and the voices in my head are softening. I need to wake them up, I just haven’t had the time or energy. This week though at least one day I need to reconnect with them for an hour or two.

My husband and I have been watching the second season of Hannibal. I am wild about this show. I have always been drawn to the Hannibal story line. Silence of the Lambs was the first scary movie to ever give me a nightmare and Hannibal the novel disturbed me more than most other things I’ve read. However in that case I was much more disturbed by Mason than by Hannibal. Hannibal is a monster and yet I’ve always found him so endearing. I can’t explain it but I love the show and have fallen madly in love with Mads Mikkelsen. He’s so refined and beautiful and so dark and disturbing, yummy. I suppose I also enjoy the fact his victims are usually people who are rude or tactless, two traits I detest as well. I do not like watching Sons of Anarchy or Game of Thrones but I love Hannibal. I feel like that says something about me but I’m not sure what that might be. Oh well.

New blog is up!

Hey everyone please follow my new page in addition to this one.
http://www.threewitchesinasmalltown.wordpress.com

Thanks!

Change is the only constant

So in  order to advertise my book coming out in the summer I have to create another blog, twitter etc to advertise myself and my published work. Part of me is super excited but I’m a little bummed because I know it will take time away from this blog. Once I have it created I’ll post a link so those of you interested can follow me there. I’ll still keep this one for darker and more sexual writings but I’m afraid I won’t be on as much as I like. I do love the other things I write as well they are still personal and close to my heart, just a little more censored so family and friends can read it without giving me strange looks. It’s an exciting time in my life and I hope you will join me. Bring on 2015.

Blessed but still stressed

I feel like I’ve been away for weeks! I hope the rest of you had as lovely a Christmas as I did. I’m hoping to come up with some writing to share with you soon. My daughter’s birthday is New Years Day so once that is past hopefully my days will be back to something resembling normal.

My little freak out day last week ended up being a blood pressure spike. As someone who has always had very low blood pressure it freaked me out a lot and made me pretty sick. Apparently my stress level has finally taken its toll. I’ve always been calm and cool but lately I can’t seem to handle my reactions to things. I’m going to work to get it back though. I’m becoming a control freak and that is something I definitely don’t want to be.  More yoga and meditation perhaps?

On the writing front my publisher sent me a list of things to send them about how I want my book to be, cover, acknowledgements, media connections etc.  I’m like “I wrote the story, can’t you guys do the rest?”. I’m creative not business savvy. Sighs but I’ll figure it out and I’m thankful to have a hand in it, I just wasn’t expecting quite so much.

Drunken house cleaning as a last resort

Whew what a morning. I usually love Sundays and days spent with my husband. He’s in a funky mood this morning and said just the perfect thing to piss me off.  I know he didn’t mean what he said to be taken quite the way I took it though. Maybe I was just looking for an excuse to be angry, I don’t know. I get moody on the solstices and he gets weird. Just an observation.

I have a hell of a temper but it usually takes a lot to get me mad. I’m guessing PMS has arrived early. I’ve tried a hot bath, good music and cleaning to chill myself out and so far no good. I haven’t said anything to him but no doubt he can tell, I try not to overreact and make things worse. That’s why I’m bitching to you all. If this doesn’t work I’m hitting the chartreuse.

I still have tons to do around the house before everyone comes over for Christmas and then I invited some friends over for dinner Tuesday night because I’m crazy lol. But I always manage to get everything done in the nick of time. So all will be ok. I was just really wanting a fun day today, watching tv, laughing, wrapping presents, maybe sex. Alas I guess I’ll get drunk and clean the house.

On the upside I did start writing my new novel and I’m excited about how it’s going. I just need time to work on it more. I keep telling myself “after the holidays”. And dammit it will happen.

Finding balance

After I write this post I plan to start a new novel. Even though it’s a hectic time of year I need to get out of my own head a while and live within my characters. I need a different reality even if only for a few hours a day. I feel like a total Grinch at the moment and hopefully getting lost in something new will help.

I was so excited about Christmas, for the first time in years honestly. We have enough money to buy some presents without worrying about how to pay our bills and I was ahead enough in things around the house to send out cards, make homemade gifts and decorate. Then mom got sick with a flare of Lyme’s disease that she battles a few times per year.  For those of you that aren’t familiar with chronic Lyme, it can make cancer look quick and kind. It slowly destroys you one system at a time. I could do an entire post on the nightmares of the disease but anyway it’s bad and she’s sick and every time she goes through a flare I’m terrified I’ll lose her. Then I see people posting about buying and selling puppies for Christmas and my heart breaks knowing how many thousands of loving dogs are in shelters desperate for homes that will die this week because people want puppies. Over half of those same puppies will share the same fate next year because they will be “too much work”.  I feel like giving up. But I won’t I ‘ll smile and look for the good things in my day and count my blessings because I am truly blessed. And I’ll work on writing something to lift my heart and make others smile. When I ‘m in a good place it’s easy for me to write dark things and when I’m in darkness I write to draw in the light.  I guess that’s how I find my balance.

Ah innocence, I’m so glad you are gone

I’m a terrible sick person. I bitch and whine constantly when I’m sick. I have an awesome pain tolerance but a scratchy throat and stuffy nose turns me into the biggest bitch ever. Blah, throw in a messy house, Christmas decorations and a funeral I have to attend and I pretty much just want someone to knock me the hell out until I’m better. Luckily, I only seem to get a cold once or twice a year. But I have one right now and if I make it through it without committing a crime or having a nervous breakdown it will be a miracle. I see people all the time go about their lives while sick and I can’t comprehend it. My life stops when I am sick, I have no choice. There is no pushing through it when you pass out every time you stand up. I do have a mild heart condition and it was explained to me that stress and illness hit me considerably harder than your average person. That’s why I try to stay fit, unfortunately that’s also tricky, because too much physical exertion taxes my heart and makes me get sick. So combine too much exercise, stress, and allergens this week and I was a neon sign screaming “GERMS WELCOME!”.  Seriously though fuck being sick.

Anyway I found some of my work from my first attempt at a novel. It was only the first three pages, the rest of it was accidentally destroyed years ago (I was devastated). I wrote it when I was seventeen. The first paragraph didn’t suck… the rest did. It’s amazing how much I’ve changed in eleven years. I thought I was so badass and experienced. Looking at my writing it was plain to see how little I knew about everything. My innocence is not something I miss, but it’s amusing to remember.

You are never too old for imaginary friends.

The holiday craziness got to me! Cleaning, cooking and lots of visiting with family and friends has worn me out  but I enjoyed it immensely. So if you have commented or sent me anything and I haven’t responded I’m terribly sorry and I’ll get back with you today.

I have characters in my head yelling at me to write their stories and no time to do so. It looks like I’ll be having some late nights or early mornings this week. I’ve been thinking a lot about my characters lately. They are my friends, yes, they are a part of me as well but they don’t “feel” like me. They feel like people I’ve just met, cousins I grew up with, the girl that works at the local coffee shop that I talk to every day.  I never feel like I’m creating them, I feel like I’m getting to know them or have known them all my life. With my characters I’m never lonely. When I was a child I always had tons of imaginary friends, even when I was old enough to know they were imaginary. It never bothered me though, they still felt real, still kept me company when I was alone, and sometimes even when I was with my flesh and blood friends I wished I was with the ones only I knew about.  Every time I start a new story I get excited to meet new friends.